Mind-Mind Your
Manners!
I squinted at the
sun as I looked through the car window. Looking up to the towers I wondered
what exactly the guards could see from their perch. To me they looked like menacing
statues dressed in brown and wearing sunglasses. It was like a scene from a
movie and my stomach churned inside me. After signing in and a short
interrogation we joined the other families waiting in line. This large room was
painted white and had marble floors, it always felt cold. There were a few
benches against the walls and right in the middle of the room sat an enormous
half circle desk that seated three or four officers.
I hated this place;
I hated the drive down the long driveway even though it was lined with maple
trees. I despised the towers and all the scary, ominous feelings that came with
them. The razor wire that curled at the top of the tall chain link fences made me
feel small and defenseless. It was as if at any moment I could be a victim of
something horrible. It didn’t help that I also detested the person that we were
there to see.
As we waited I would watch small children running and
playing, their laughter echoed across the room. How could they be so happy?
They had no idea where they were and I realized that this was just a way of
life for them. They were visiting daddy or their mom’s new boyfriend; to them, this
trip meant fun in the playroom and a few prizes from the vending machine.
After a short wait the great iron barred doors would loudly
clang open which startled me every time. We would all file in as a group, once
we were all in one section a loud buzzer sounded and the doors would bang shut,
and panic would race through my gut, I felt trapped. When the iron doors in
front of us would whir open, we would clustered into the next chamber and wait for
the doors to shut behind us, swallowing us inside. It was cool and the cinder
block walls were a faded yellow. Guards stood sentinel while inmates where
mopping floors or doing other odd jobs.
Once I entered the
visiting room the smoke from at least fifty cigarettes choked me and burned my
eyes. Men in blue jeans and baby blue shirts sat on hard plastic chairs waiting
to see their families. The room had the feel of fear, hopelessness and anger.
All I wanted to do was run but there was nowhere to go. Everywhere I sat men
watched me, I could see them talking with their family members but I knew they
watched me and I felt like a mouse in a room full of hungry cats.
I was a young
teenager and we would visit my mom’s newly imprisoned husband weekly. I felt he
was the cause of all our troubles. When he entered our lives it seemed our
family shattered into a million pieces and this started a period of abuse for
me over the next three years. It was probably the most frightening and
unsettling time of my life. If I think on it too long I can still sense the
feelings of misery and hopelessness.
Psalm 138:7 & 8
says, “When I walk into the thick of trouble, keep me alive in the angry
turmoil. With one hand strike my foes, with your other hand save me. Finish
what you started in me, God. Your love is eternal- don’t quit on me now.” (MSG)
We have all had our share of wretchedness in this life. It
only takes me a moment to find someone who has had it a lot worse than me.
Sometimes it’s actual and sometimes it’s a matter of perception, but whatever
the circumstances the memories can be oppressive and incapacitating.
When I was fifteen I found a scripture that helped me
profoundly. I soon had it memorized and began putting it to practice.
Philippians 4:6-9 says,
“Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises
shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you
know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will
come and settle you down. It’s wonderful what happens when Christ displaces
worry at the center of your life. Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do
best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable,
authentic, compelling, gracious- the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not
the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice things you
learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who
makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.”
(MSG)
I have a million horrible
memories and there were scores of times where, as a child, my very life was in
danger because of someone else’s behavior. The hardest yet most rewarding
challenge I have ever met was to change my thought life and get past the
devastating consequences those memories had on me, both physically and
mentally.
This is hard work; I have to make the effort to change my
thought life every day, I have to remind myself of the life changing scriptures
I have memorized and I choose to believe them. I will always have those
memories and life will villainously add to them, but I am determined that they
will have no power over me, they will not define me.
Galatians 5:1 says,
“Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again
let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.” (MSG)
We can’t choose our
beginnings; no child wants to be poor, neglected or abused. Sin and its
influences are all around us raining down defeat and misery; it convinces us
that there is no hope in life, only a pitiful existence and eventually death.
But that is a lie; there is great hope and freedom tastes sweet; they come in
the person of Jesus and all he has unselfishly done for me and you, no matter
where our journey has taken us.
